We can have it all. Just at the cost of our own sanity

I spoke to Grazia about “Kidmin” and why keeping on top of children’s schedules feels like a job for a qualified PA.

Can women (or men) have it all?

I’ve heard people say countless times that women can’t have it all. I’ve even said it myself. But I don’t like being told I can’t do something, which is why I’ll always be particularly persistent about completing a new task or learning a new skill. Still, it’s a fair statement – because, let’s be honest, what they really mean is: you can have it all, you can have whatever you like, but not without paying a price.

I’ve also seen many famous people say you can only excel at two or three things at any given time. But I think it’s actually just one. Unless these people have a secret pair or hands or an extra brain, I don’t see how anyone can juggle multiple things very well all at once.

I live in a 50/50 household, where we split all chores and parenting responsibilities. There are occasional times, like with the Christmas shopping, where I’ll take on the bulk of responsibility, but despite making my husband feel a little bit bad about this, it suits the control freak in me. So, I don’t think it’s fair to just reflect on my experiences as a woman, as I don’t think it’s as simple as him being able to “have it all” either.

I love the saying “it’s either me, the house or the kids” (and let’s face it, the kids usually win).

Each day is about constant shifting of priorities, choosing where to put your focus, and what to do well.

A typical day for me could go:

Get up and do some tidying (the house momentarily wins), then the kids need breakfast and nagging to brush their teeth and get dressed.

Once my husband takes them to school (thank you Dan), I then get to focus on myself, briefly. When I say focus on myself, I don’t mean extensive self-care. It’s more about basic hygiene and looking semi-presentable, depending on who I’m meeting that day. Let’s put it this way, ‘school-run me’ is a lot less polished than ‘meeting me’.

So, the saying should actually read “it’s either me, the house, work, or the kids”, but in the opposite order.

I’ll then get onto work and that wins for the vast majority of my waking hours, until it’s time to collect the kids (usually by Dan - credit where it’s due). For the next three hours, they’re on top of the pecking order until we manage to get them to sleep (phew). During this window dinner is also cooked by Dan (again, thank you Dan), and I consider eating my Hello Fresh meal an act of self-care since I didn’t cook it myself.

Some laundry and washing up might come next (so the house isn’t completely neglected) before tackling a bit more work. Finally, we’ll treat ourselves to an hour of TV.

I then love nothing more than getting into bed and reading my Kindle (sorry Dan) as it’s the only time in the day that I really do feel like I’m giving myself some care.

Get up. Go again. Weekend.

“Having it all” isn’t a useful metric anyway

Looking at my average day – possibly similar to yours – I wonder where this idea of “having it all” even comes from? The phrase implies that there’s a choice involved. But really, if you look at my day (and I’m not complaining as I like my life), I’m doing what needs to be done. Cleaning? Tick - I don’t want to live in a pigsty. Caring for my children? Tick - they didn’t ask to be born. Working? Tick – because bills don’t pay themselves. Relaxing briefly, oh and eating, because well, I need to survive.

I think we can often stress about neglecting parts of our lives, forgetting that it’s physically impossible to do everything, everywhere, all at once. We can’t be cleaning the house, whilst caring for the kids who are literally making a mess where we’ve cleaned, whilst also doing work, and still being a great wife/friend/colleague/whatever. Something’s always got to give.

Get to do, not have to do

I’ve seen a recent social trend (I feel like I reference social trends a lot, but let me off, it’s a considerable part of my working life), about reframing your “have to do” tasks as “get to do’s”, and I like the idea. I do believe that in life, to a certain extent where we’re talking day-to-day issues (not life altering catastrophes of course), that we can attempt to improve the way we feel based on our mindset.

But this whole notion of women being able to “have it all” feels overly simplistic and honestly confusing. Can we have it all? Can’t we? Do we even get a say in the matter?

The never-ending world of “Kidmin”

I was speaking to Grazia recently about the topic of “Kidmin” – all the admin that comes with having children. From school emails to WhatsApp groups, clubs, parties and so on. Despite my sons having a more active social life than me, it’s not the activities themselves that feel overwhelming. It’s the constant admin.

Take the infamous school "Ping," for example. The sheer volume of emails I get each week is staggering. Keeping up with their diaries genuinely feels like the job of a qualified PA. This is more of a rant than anything. Me standing in solidarity with all the parents feeling like the Kidmin can get lost.

If you’re curious, here’s the link to the piece on Grazia: "Keeping on top of their diaries feels like a job for a qualified PA."

The countdown to two weeks of festive, kidmin free bliss is officially on.