Turning 39. (Shares so the birthday messages come rolling in - joking).

Here's what I've learnt about myself in the last ten years.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling reflective because 40 is next or because I’ve had a monumental year. Either way, lately, I’ve being looking inwardly a lot more than usual.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a piece about what people at breaking point actually look like and whether it’s easy to spot. I sent it to a colleague (and friend) to read, as I like to sense-check that what I’m sharing doesn’t sound completely unhinged, and she sent me a response that struck a chord. I still haven’t felt comfortable enough to share that Substack with you yet. But her reply was short and direct – and it was meant to give me context to how I was feeling. It said: 

“You took redundancy from a job you loved at a time your dad was very sick after commuting back and forth to London from Eastbourne while also renovating your flat. Your dad died, you fell pregnant, you set up Known you had Frank – in less than a year. 

You then grew an agency with a small child in tow and set up another business within 2 years. Covid then happened which rocked everything you’d worked so hard for, you had another baby, grew Faace and Known, renovated a house, and then went through huge ups and downs with Faace. The pressure of Dragons’ Den weighed on you for a fair while in the lead up in particular.

I think when you look at it like that, it’s a lot and it’s layered. So many of us keep pushing forward without getting a break to catch a breath but unfortunately that’s the nature of business. So, by you sharing what you’ve been through, it might well help others to realise that they’re not insane for having experiences similar – it doesn’t make you mad it makes you human. Anyone that has gone through all that and not come out unscathed is the insane one.” 

I replied, “I might frame that”, and my colleague agreed: “To remind you that it’s not you, it is life repeatedly hitting you round the head.”

I hadn’t even for a single second given myself the grace to think about those things all at once. I didn’t think anyone had noticed - I hadn’t even noticed myself. But it did make me stop and think maybe that is quite a lot for someone to take on, and perhaps it’s no wonder that I’ve felt overwhelmed at times.

How we speak to ourselves impacts how we feel about ourselves. So this is my reminder to talk to myself with the same care I’d give to others. You also don’t know who’s watching either. In this case, it was a colleague, spectating from the sidelines, but daily, it’s my children. Recognising this was part of the reason I decided to sell Faace. I didn’t want something that I could control to negatively impact how I was behaving, and therefore in turn affect how my children felt. 

Reflecting on how full this past decade has been also made me see how I’ve evolved as a person.

I’m quieter now. When I was younger, I think I felt I had something to prove. Now, I don’t. I feel quietly confident and more comfortable in my own skin. 

I care less about being pretty. I like clothes, I still care about style (even though that usually consists of joggers and a jumper), but I don’t regularly think about how “pretty” I am. When you’re younger, especially as a girl perhaps, there’s a lot of pressure put on your looks. Now, I want to feel well. I want to look youthful, but I don’t feel the need to be pretty (or maybe I mean attractive to the opposite sex), anymore. 

My beauty routine has changed. I’m plucking hairs from places that I never used to. I’m also attempting to undo the damage I did in the previous two decades (oh the sunbed shame). 

Becoming a mother has changed me in too many ways to list.

But to completely contradict what I’ve just said, I also feel like I haven’t changed at all. I’m still not convinced I’m thick skinned enough for business. But I’m working to use my personality to my advantage. To not beat myself up about simply being, me.

In the next decade, I’m hoping to figure out friendship. I have lots of good friends, but I feel like the last ten years has pulled us apart. Naturally, due to the busyness of everyone’s lives, but I’m not totally comfortable with it. I’ve lost friends - not through falling out but just lack of effort to keep the relationship going, especially work ones, where you no longer have the convenience of meeting in the office each day. Friendship and female company mean a lot to me. They make me feel better when I’m low and it’s nice to celebrate with friends, to share in all of lives emotions – friends are like a comfort blanket. So I’m hoping there’s more of that as my kids get older and I’m potentially freed up a little more. 

Whatever I think, getting older is a privilege - I know that. And I do feel grateful for the experiences I’ve had over the last decade, which have undoubtedly shaped me as a person. I imagine the next ten years might be about slowing down. But knowing me, maybe not.