I'm not sure how to stop my sons being sexist

If you’ve not watched Adolescence and reflected on your own parenting skills, then who even are you?

I raise my children in a 50/50 household, in an environment that doesn’t particularly lean into gender stereotypes. I’m the boss at work. My husband cooks. We both clean, etc etc. Yet I’ve noticed an undercurrent of sexism in my seven-year-old son’s views on gender. He’s polite, kind, and loving, and these subtle comments aren’t coming from a place of anger towards women. But the underlying assumptions are still there. There’s a hint of a superiority complex - and a narrow idea that girls can’t do all the same things as boys. Playground stuff, I know. But I still don’t like it.

Like the rest of the world I watched Adolescence, primed for uncomfortable viewing having seen plenty of reviews, short clips, and online discussions. I put off watching it until I felt “mentally robust,” but curiosity got the better of me and I binged it over the last two days. I won’t give a full review - there are far more eloquent social commentators out there - but I liked it. It sparked thought and self-reflection, as I’m sure it did for many viewers, especially those of us who are parents or play a significant role in a child’s life. But it wasn’t quite as shocking for me as I expected, mainly because I think about these themes all the time.

When it comes to raising my sons, I focus on building confidence. That feels like the most natural approach - nurturing their self-belief and encouraging positive self-image. As someone who was bullied at various points in life, I know there are plenty of people who’ll try to tear your confidence down. That’s why my instinct is to build theirs up. But I know this is a simplistic view. There are so many - so, so many - other areas I want to focus on to help raise them into well-rounded adults. I like to think that half of good parenting is just being aware of that fact. And that by constantly thinking about the consequences of my words and actions, I’m doing a good enough job.

I already think ahead to their teenage years. I’m trying to give them the tools now to understand respect, consent, compassion, and equality for all - regardless of identity. But that’s tough to master when you’re a first-time parent and basically winging it. Such a big responsibility with so little training.

I try to challenge any comments about girls being inferior to boys with real-life examples that prove otherwise. I try to show up as a confident and whole version of myself in front of them. When they point out my spots or imperfections, I try to respond with a casual, “I don’t care about that,” to shift the focus away from looks and onto other qualities. But I’m sure I get it wrong sometimes. Like all parents, we’re not perfect. Our days are filled with stressors that affect how we feel and act.

I don’t know what the answer is. Can you say something mean and still be kind? Can you lose your temper and still be calm? I think people have myriad dimensions to their personality. I also think people can learn and grow. So maybe you can be a seven-year-old boy who thinks boys are faster than girls, and not ultimately be sexist. But I still think about it a lot, and Adolescence definitely led to even more self-reflection. Did it for you?

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