Nobody talks about how tough it is to switch from work mode to parent mode

Why the daily ‘juggle’ is a struggle

For anyone with additional responsibilities - whether it’s parenting or caregiving - we all know balancing those with work is a constant juggling act. Recently, I saw Grazia say “being able to work and parent should be a right, not a privilege” and I couldn’t agree more. Being a working parent is hard. There’s a lot of talk about flexible working, making allowances for people’s needs and I’m all for that. In fact, it’s something that I’m most proud of within Known (my agency), in that I feel we accommodate people with children (me included), well.

But what I don’t think we discuss enough is the mental toll of constantly switching between different versions of ourselves, and not having the time to take stock.

My day (like I’m sure most working parents’ days) goes something like this: get woken up, tend to the children, do some chores, get ready, start work, work, work, work, pick up children, see to their needs, do chores, and relax. “Relax” might be the wrong word. Let’s say, flop onto sofa and just be silent. But it’s the switching from one persona to another that for me, really takes it toll.

Take the mornings. You’re running after a child, repeating every request three times before it sinks in. You know you don’t have time to start that load of washing - but you do it anyway. Having to hold your temper and your nerve as your child sloooowly puts on their socks, knowing you could do it in seconds, but they need to do it themselves (worried if you do it for them, then you’re ruining adult them, and all their future relationships, as they’d expect their partner to dote on them - see how I’m snowballing).

Apparently when I'm with my kids I wear jeans and a cap

And in every relationship, there’s two types of people - the one who hates being late and the one who’s relaxed about it. Somehow both of you find the whole morning just as tense, but for different reasons, which just adds to the pressure of the situation.

And yes, you could have gotten up earlier, but, you’re just really tired. And yes, you could have gone to bed earlier, but you do also need to have a little bit of the day where nobody wants a piece of you.

I do appreciate that I (and many of us) have a privileged life. I know having children is a blessing (which I count daily). But maybe that’s a part of why being in their company is so exhausting - as we try and constantly project the best versions of ourselves, so they can’t talk to a therapist one day, and blame their foibles on your parenting.

Then, after all that, you switch into full-throttle work mode. You’re expected to be the best, most creative/assertive/considerate/productive (insert words that best relate to your role here) version of yourself in the workplace. Let’s be honest, “home you” and “work you” are probably different people to some extent? And there’s that pesky persona-switch-up going on again.

Finally, picture the scene: after a flat-out day at work when your brain is fried, you walk into the house and are greeted by a toddler who’s shouting at you. It’s intense. Overwhelming. But instead of walking away, you must keep calm and meet their every demand. In that moment, you’re supposed to completely switch off the stresses of the workday, and dive into full-blown mum-mode (in my case).

Maybe that doesn’t sound too bad, I get that I’m not under the same pressure as someone who is saving lives. But I feel like we underestimate how hard this transition is. Sometimes, the experience is so over stimulating that I feel like I’m losing my mind. But no matter how much it’s sending you into a frenzy, that feeling, without exception, has to be internalised.

There’s been a lot of talk lately about letting go of “urgency culture,” and I love that idea. I saw a post recently that said, “Say goodbye to urgency culture. You don’t have to reply to that message. Your email can wait. You don’t have to live in anxiety because of others’ weird expectations.” My immediate thought? If only that applied to having children.

They say, “bigger children, bigger problems”, so whether it's toddler tantrums or teenage dramas, you still have to switch your mindset and behaviour to the situation whenever you're in their company, and I just wanted to say, yes yes, I love them more than anything. I’d die for them. But the constant switch-up? It’s bloody exhausting.