What can you do if someone you care about is grieving?
Spoiler: not a lot. But something is always better than nothing.
My best friend’s Dad died this week. I am so sad for her; I can’t stop thinking about how she must be feeling - the impact of the finality of death and the magnitude with which grief blindsides you.
It’s something, thankfully, that you can’t fully understand if you haven’t experienced it. And it can be hard to know how to help. When someone is going through something so life-altering, it’s easy to worry that what you say or do might make things worse. But from my own experience, nothing you say or do can make it worse - so you might as well do something.
Grieving can feel very isolating. While you might want time alone, and everyone’s feelings of loss will be different, I do think it’s nice to show people you care with a gesture, however small.
A colleague called Emma sent me a Tom Dixon candle when my Dad died. She’d also lost her father, and I think she sent it in solidarity. I still remember that act of kindness now. Not only was it a generous gift, but it showed that she cared that I was feeling terrible. It really touched me and gave me comfort - as much comfort as anything can when you’re feeling really sad.
Another colleague/friend sent me a care package of treats with a card to let me know they were thinking of me. Their dad hadn’t died, but they still clearly thought reaching out was worthwhile. And it was. The fact I remember it almost ten years later goes to show the impression it made.
Grief is a process - something you live with, forever, as it never really leaves you. If I’m honest, hearing about my friend’s experience has made me feel sad for me too. That might sound selfish, but it takes me back to what I went through. And that’s the thing with grief - it’s always lingering, ready to rear its ugly head when something - sometimes not even directly relevant - triggers it.
I decided to pay it forward and send my friend a candle. Le Labo Santal (a classic). But I also wanted to share some other things people did that helped me when I was stunned into the first stages of grief, in case it’s helpful.
Just reaching out - like I said, people really worry about saying the wrong thing. But that’s not possible if you’re genuine. Just showing up and letting someone know you care is enough.
Listening without trying to fix things - and this potentially goes for anyone having a really bad time, to let them you them know that you understand this is rubbish, and nothing you say will fix it. But you’re there, and you care.
Offering practical help - life can be overwhelming at the best of times. Add grief into the juggle and coping abilities can explode. Whether it’s running errands or just taking something off their plate – I think offering help, helps.
Showing up at the right times. Like do you attend the funeral? This depends on the individual and the circumstances. My advice: ask. Just ask if they’d like you there.
What to gift? Personally, I didn’t want any sentimental gifts in that moment. I was really angry when my dad died, which isn’t the most obvious emotion if you haven’t been through it. A gift about him specifically would have rubbed me the wrong way, even if well-intentioned. I was angry he wasn’t there, and those kinds of things would have felt like unequal replacements. That’s why my advice would be to go for something comforting. But that could just be me - I’m sure others would love something more meaningful.
I’d also say: be patient. Grief basically goes on forever. Nobody expects you to fully understand that, but it’s worth remembering that you also can’t expect someone to just get over it. Be as sensitive as you can to the significance of the emotion and experience, for however long it takes. And be prepared that it will crop up long after the time of death.
And finally, on a lighter note - if you’re in the market for a new candle, whether for you or someone else, here are some of my faves:
Le Labo Santal - it’s a classic and just smells expensive (probably because it is).
Byredo Bibliotheque - someone bought me this as a gift and I enjoyed every sniff. The black glass jar is understated and chic - a good look in any room IMO.
Mischief Candles – super affordable and I’m here for the bants. Someone bought me the “Sorry things are a bit shit, but they will get better” and I loved it. My other faves: “Smells like I have my life together,” “I hope your new job is a bit less shit,” and “Congrats on buying a house in this fucking economy.” Endless options.
Evermore Candles – something super luxurious but a little more unexpected than the others.
Thanks for reading. I always appreciate a little ❤️ below.
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