Dealing with conflict when you hate confrontation

Is it a women’s issue, a workplace issue, a me issue, or something else? Here's my take on dealing with conflict when you're not great with confrontation.

I feel lucky that I don’t often have to deal with conflict.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve distanced myself from anyone who doesn’t bring me joy in some shape or form (except my three-year-old son - who is my part-time tormentor).

I’m not saying that I won’t be supportive if someone is having a tough time - people are allowed to be miserable around me. But I try and avoid spending time with people I don’t really like.

So, when I do encounter conflict (rarely, I might add), I find it very very awkward. I actually wrote this piece months ago but couldn’t bring myself to share it – until now – because even talking about the topic makes me feel uncomfortable.

Does anyone actually enjoy confrontation?

I’d say no - but I don’t think that’s true. I actually think some people thrive on it. Some people like telling people they’re wrong (and, by extension, that they’re right). I sound like I’m judging people who enjoy confrontation, but I’m not - I just don’t understand them – I don’t know, maybe I am? Mainly I hope they avoid me at all costs.

Avoiding high drama situations

Maybe I’m lucky, but I’ve never had serious fallouts with my best friends or family. Ok, except that one time.

When my best friend and I were 12, and we let another girl spread lies between us. My friend’s mum finally got so fed up with her moping to R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts that she dragged her into my parents’ pub kitchen (where I worked washing up) to reconcile with me. Thankfully, it worked. I wonder if she’ll read this and ping me a WhatsApp now as she’s still my bestie today.

Other than that – some drunken cross words with friends in my 20s, and bickering with my husband (because that doesn’t count) - I tend to avoid confrontation. I try and make allowances for people’s quirks (we all have them, after all) and focus on maintaining relationships that don’t stress me out.

Like journalist Polly Vernon said, “You don’t owe difficult people friendship.” If someone isn’t bringing something positive to your life, why put in the effort? None of us have unlimited time - so why waste it on people who drain you?

Conflict at work

So how do you deal with workplace conflict where you can’t avoid people who drain you? No really, I’m asking, how? Generally, I find that as a business owner and team manager, approaching people with kindness often helps diffuse tension. Much like in my personal life, I also try to distance myself from relationships that don’t feel good.

But it isn’t always easy to know how to deal with conflict at work. It’s not something you get trained in, it’s more of a make-it-up-as-you-go-along kind of problem. I’m often left questioning my own judgments. Sometimes, it’s hard to make business sense. You might let your heart rule your head. Sometimes, you might have to act in a certain way, that doesn’t come naturally to you, because you know it’s best for business.

Having worked in an industry where conflict resolution is an essential skill to develop, I’ve learnt that a few things can lead you to a place of less tension. These are them:

My tried and tested methods of handling conflict in the workplace

Picking up the phone. Written communication can often be misconstrued, so where there might be tension rising, I’d always try and speak on the phone/Zoom on in real life if you can, to try and maintain some level of rapport.

Really listen. Let people explain themselves, take a moment and hear them out before responding. Defensiveness, even when it’s so hard as you want to get your point across, never improves anything, in my experience.

Problem solve. Especially at work, there’s little point in stressing a point once it’s made. Time is better spent working out solutions so all parties can move forward (and hopefully feel better).

Accepting that not everything can be resolved. When you don’t like it if people don’t like you (which is me), it’s hard to accept that sometimes you just won’t see eye to eye with someone. But being a happy grown-up unfortunately means accepting this fact (something I’m working on).

How do you deal with conflict at work or in life? Happy to hear if you have any good top tips as a skillset I’m developing. If you can relate, give me a ❤️ below.